re: Study Shows That Negative Signals Expressed by Adults Could Have Great Impact on Children

NewsView — 12/26/2016 2:52:23 PM

Years ago, when my nieces were small, I recall as they gradually internalized the nonverbal cues of the parents in terms of how to relate to ("rank") members of the extended family. When they were very young, under the age five, they related to each family member equally. They were uninhibited in expressing appreciation for gifts or baked goodies at holidays and birthdays. By the time each girl reached four they appreciated that their grandparents — not their aunts/uncles — were the center of the family and their behavior shifted accordingly. If Grandma baked gingersnaps and an aunt a platter of homemade gingerbread cookie cutouts, which at former holidays they delighted in, I could see the oldest visibly hesitate and select only grandma's cookies. When the youngest reached 3 she began to follow elder sister’s lead (attitudes passed from parent > older child > younger siblings). What had taken four years for the oldest to learn took the younger siblings only three (given not only the parents preferences but reinforcement by an older sibling).

As adults we learn to rationalize others' behavior. But when you see very young children “absorb” who is supposed to be more central to the family it is an real eye opener. Years ago, my sister-/brother-in-law decided to ask their kids to judge a pumpkin carving contest by the adults (their aunts/uncles, minus the grandparents). The oldest, who had just turned 5, gravitated toward the "baby pumpkin” carved by a particular aunt/uncle with whom her parents were not as close. Still, she had an unusually hard time deciding. She gave her parents a real laugh when she decided that the outcome would be a tie. (Prompting comments on how "diplomatic" their daughter was for such a young age.) It was clear she had her own opinion but by then had internalized her parents preferences and didn't want to let Mom & Dad down by elevating the “wrong” aunt/uncle’s contribution. The takeaway? Many opinions we consider "our own" are not.